One year ago today…

Wow, it’ll be a year tomorrow that we moved out of our old place! I knew it would be challenging; but I had no idea I was headed for one of the hardest years of my life!…. (side note!…I’ve chosen to keep this blog rather than start a new one because I don’t want to forget the migraine days, I want to remember how hard my family and I have worked and how many changes we have made just for me to get better, also because the reason I chose the name for this blog is special to me and I’ll share that one day πŸ™‚ right now I’d like to say hi, this is my story and thanks for reading!)…

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I have come out of this storm a different person than the one who walked into it. Last year to now became some of the most difficult months I’ve ever had to deal with and as those who know me know; I’ve been through some rough times in my life so saying that says a lot…and I finally started getting a better attitude, which changed things for me, I finally found the combination of diet and supplements and lifestyle that has been helping me heal after having been so sick for so many years and it just getting worse and worse and worse to the point I almost lost my mind and thought I was losing it because being in pain every single second of every single day gets to a person after a while….I had just turned a bit of a corner and started feeling a bit better when…  😦 my Mom died; as soon as I was finally getting better, I didn’t even get to talk to her about it it was like I finally was able to peek my face up through the ice..being sick was like being trapped; I wish I’d have been a better trooper about it; I never trusted that what I was going through wasn’t contagious so I didn’t go see my folks sometimes because I didn’t want anyone to ever have to go through it; I was worried if they caught what I had they might die…but then she died anyways and I just missed out on that time, those times I could have had with her…me and mom…either good or bad, there was never neutral; but I loved her so much and I loved our talks and it breaks my heart I never got to say to her “Mom I think I figured it out and I’m on the mend now” (I feel it will be a long haul still to get to where I need to be but at least I believe I am on the right path now; which makes the hardest climb easier) I miss her smile and her always cold hands she liked to mess up my always messy hair with, I miss being able to tell her all the stuff I feel no one cares about like stupid little things, like what kind of rice I bought today… and I wish I’d have just enjoyed the few weeks we had there last summer/fall while we were in between homes but I was too sick, stressed, unhappy with myself, to enjoy much of anything and I  was simply trying not to fall apart. But falling apart was what I had to do (if you’re like me and you’ve been in a struggle whether it’s health or weight loss or your marriage, or friendships or work or whatever you are fighting within yourself about… my advice not that you asked for it?..LET GO! I know it’s hard, I had to be beaten and broken by this illness that I didn’t even think was a real illness – IBS ..seemed to sum up as my body hates me…but the Low Fodmap diet is helping so much and that’s the IBS diet so I guess it is real, it’s not in my head and I will get better :)… at least I hope I will.. :/

Anyways; you have to go over the cliff to climb back up, you have to take apart the puzzle to find where the right piece got put in the wrong spot or the wrong piece which maybe looked right but after you take the puzzle apart you realize; that piece ain’t even yours…not part of your puzzle;  just a random piece you picked up somewhere but you’ll never figure it out if you don’t just let that fall apart happen…I know it’s hard but inΒ  order to rise you must first fall, you have to weed the garden so the right things grow…LET GO…CRY…REACH OUT AND LOVE THE PEOPLE WHO GRAB YOUR HAND AND SAY I AM HERE!…and don’t worry about the ones who don’t they are on their own journey and sometimes it’s just best to say goodbye. I had to get so low I didn’t even know who I was, because I’m not who I used to be anymore, I barely recognize that girl I was before and I much prefer the woman I am now.

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But it’s been a rough few years; many times I didn’t think I’d make it; I thought I might be dying; I thought I was going to end up in the psyche ward; lose my family, lose my mind and have to live in pain until God decided to take me home..this storm ripped through every relationship in my life starting with myself, my husband, children, family and friends; no one was spared while this storm was raging! And I had to say goodbye to some people and open my heart to others; while it hurts to say goodbye; just watch how the other plants (friendships) now grow; because even a beautiful flower is a weed in a vegetable garden; it’s not to put people down but to say I am choosing who I let in because I am choosing what I will allow to grow here because this is mine and I own it…OWN IT…is also key LET GO AND OWN IT), every part of my heart, mind, spirit and soul has been tested, broken, rebuilt within the past year and I’ve changed who I am because who I was wasn’t making me happy; it was making and keeping me sick. I had to learn to rise above all things which were holding down, especially my own attitudes and internal thoughts etc…I had to melt the ice and I’m so grateful for the people who have come into my life to help me do that. I’m grateful for the new lease on life I’ve been given and the little bit of energy I have to play with my kids, help my husband work around the house and just get day to day things done is a gift for me after not having it I hope I always appreciate my health, life and family and I hope I can continue to just connect with people; really deeply connect and never hold back again… even if I’m in pain or sick that day, you might be just as sick or rose than me so I won’t hole up and miss out on your beauty ever again…

Moving was the right thing for us to do, we needed to and we love our new/older home so much; and the quiter neighborhood (and lower bills πŸ˜‰ less house to clean too!!)…hopefully I’ll have some good recipes to share soon..thanks for reading πŸ™‚ I really felt I had to share all this. πŸ™‚ God bless.

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